| I had tea with my dear friend Billy on | | | | lately that the only way I can live, let |
| Friday. She had just returned from two weeks | | | | alone move forward with my projects, is to |
| in a small town in Mexico, where her daughter | | | | rest, listen and trust spiritual guidance, |
| surfed and she rested. It was the first time | | | | MOMENT BY MOMENT -- not just for the big |
| in a very long time that Billy allowed | | | | decisions. I must, as Christina Baldwin says |
| herself a deep rest. She was telling me how | | | | in her book The Seven Whispers, "Move at the |
| depressed she had been since coming home | | | | pace of guidance." |
| because she couldn't understand why her life | | | | |
| at home felt so different than her life in | | | | What my guidance is telling me, that even |
| Mexico. "I want to bring that feeling home, I | | | | after taking a month off, I need more rest. |
| don't want to lose it," she said. | | | | That as much as I am chomping at the bit to |
| | | | get going, I have to move at the pace that |
| I remarked, "You can certainly look at what | | | | feels right and that pace, in this moment, |
| you are doing at home that no longer serves | | | | involves more rest. Guidance is also telling |
| you. You can jettison what drains your | | | | me that the black and white world of extremes |
| energy. Being away offers us perspective to | | | | I love to inhabit -- that I either lay |
| see what isn't working. But I also believe | | | | perfectly still for three months in a 19th |
| you experienced a true retreat, the deep | | | | century sanatorium OR work 10 hours a day -- |
| replenishment of rest, and it is the rare | | | | is faulty. I can move forward AND rest but |
| person who gets enough of that. You can't | | | | only by listening. |
| bring that home, but you can grasp the need | | | | |
| to give it to yourself in the future -- and | | | | An example of what that looks like today: I |
| not every ten years but every month, every | | | | went to sleep last night with fantasies of |
| season, every year." | | | | all I would get done today. Up at 6, writing |
| | | | on the novel, exercise, clean the study/guest |
| When we do get to rest, we become ravenous | | | | room, finish notes on a friend's novel, edit |
| for more. We start to think about how to | | | | this newsletter, sign books for the store |
| change our lives to get more -- Billy was | | | | sale, visit with parents, weed, do something |
| plotting to buy a house in Mexico. But while | | | | fun with Chris and Lilly, maybe go see Winged |
| some change at home can be vital I think the | | | | Migration with Lil tonight. I wake up this |
| real message is: we need retreats, we need | | | | morning and already the to-do list train has |
| deep rest and we just don't give ourselves | | | | left the station, and my soul is the caboose. |
| permission to get it. We allow ourselves | | | | My jaw is tight before I'm even finished |
| some, yes, but with conditions. Perhaps | | | | washing my face. |
| shorter than we really need or with people | | | | |
| along that don't really allow us to rest or | | | | This is not moving at the pace of guidance. |
| by going to places that don't replenish us. | | | | |
| | | | Catching myself during my morning meditation, |
| Sigh. | | | | stopping, relaxing my tense body, loving |
| | | | myself, accepting that I am doing it again, |
| EATING YELLOWSTONE | | | | and then asking, "What do I most need to do |
| | | | right now?" is moving at the pace of |
| My daughter and I visited Yellowstone | | | | guidance. The fact that I have to do this |
| National Park last month on our way back from | | | | four times before noon is also moving at the |
| a week of horseback riding in the Windriver | | | | pace of guidance. Or as C.S. Lewis writes in |
| country of Wyoming. By the end of our | | | | Mere Christianity, "It comes the very moment |
| Yellowstone day, we were exhausted from the | | | | you wake up each morning. All your wishes and |
| heat and the sheer overwhelming force of the | | | | hopes for the day rush at you like wild |
| land and we were also sad. Over dinner we | | | | animals. And the first job each morning |
| talked about how we had overheard one man | | | | consists simply in shoving them all back; in |
| remark, "I'm not stopping to see that moose. | | | | listening to that other voice, taking that |
| We've already seen one moose. I'm only | | | | other point of view, letting that other, |
| stopping for a bear." Yellowstone majesty and | | | | larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing |
| mystery felt like something to check off his | | | | in. And so on, all day. Standing back from |
| list of been there, done that. I didn't feel | | | | your natural fussings and frettings; coming |
| sad because of him though, I felt sad because | | | | in out of the wind." |
| I had felt traces of that the same feeling in | | | | |
| myself during our day. "Let's ring the most | | | | I am at the end of a long, long learning |
| we can from this day, let's consume | | | | cycle; a cycle in which the lesson has been |
| Yellowstone! Let's not leave until we have | | | | to listen and act on what I hear, with no |
| seen every animal on the park service's map | | | | guarantees. I have thought in the past that |
| -- let's eat everything on the menu." | | | | if I listen, I must do it perfectly and then |
| | | | the results would be perfect. What a horrible |
| I had to keep reminding myself to follow | | | | burden and a load of crap. If there is evil |
| Lilly's lead, to linger, to poke, to explore, | | | | in the world, it takes the form of |
| to get away from the crowds and off down a | | | | perfectionism. Sometimes I'm listening to |
| shady trail, and to know we could spend the | | | | Divine Guidance and sometimes I'm listening |
| next ten years walking and looking and never | | | | to my wily, tricky ego, and sometimes I'm |
| know this place -- bison may walk down the | | | | listening to my morass of sticky neuroses. |
| middle of the highway and yet they will | | | | How can I really know unless I listen and see |
| always remain an untouchable mystery. | | | | what happens? In the past, I bounced between |
| | | | the twin poles of "But listening hasn't been |
| As Lilly and I strolled around the geysers in | | | | 100% reliable" and "But I can't listen now, I |
| the twilight, I mused about why people are | | | | have too much to do/have to make money/people |
| often so irritable and frayed when they | | | | need this done now." What I'm sensing -- and |
| travel. Sure we are tired and hot and out of | | | | I could be wrong, remember there are no |
| our comfort zone. But could it be that we | | | | guarantees -- is that if I disregard what I |
| know what we yearn for, what we pine for, and | | | | hear these days, I will grind to a halt |
| we aren't getting it? A yearning for deep | | | | faster and suffer more, than ever before. |
| soul rest and deep soul connection with those | | | | It's like the spiral on this learning has |
| we love, and yet what we often end up with is | | | | grown very small and I get almost instant |
| more busyness and more distraction, snared by | | | | feedback if I push the river, if I insist on |
| habits of consumption to move farther away | | | | my agenda, if I stay invested in my way. |
| from the mystery of our heart's desire. | | | | |
| | | | I wish I could say this is all exciting and |
| Sigh. | | | | spiritually satisfying but mainly, at least |
| | | | today, it feels scary, far too slow and |
| THE PACE OF GUIDANCE | | | | tedious. |
| | | | |
| God is making it abundantly clear to me | | | | Sigh. (But with a smile. |