| I had tea with my dear friend Billy on Friday. She | | | | God is making it abundantly clear to me lately that |
| had just returned from two weeks in a small | | | | the only way I can live, let alone move forward |
| town in Mexico, where her daughter surfed and | | | | with my projects, is to rest, listen and trust |
| she rested. It was the first time in a very long | | | | spiritual guidance, MOMENT BY MOMENT -- not |
| time that Billy allowed herself a deep rest. She | | | | just for the big decisions. I must, as Christina |
| was telling me how depressed she had been since | | | | Baldwin says in her book The Seven Whispers, |
| coming home because she couldn't understand | | | | "Move at the pace of guidance." |
| why her life at home felt so different than her life | | | | What my guidance is telling me, that even after |
| in Mexico. "I want to bring that feeling home, I | | | | taking a month off, I need more rest. That as |
| don't want to lose it," she said. | | | | much as I am chomping at the bit to get going, I |
| I remarked, "You can certainly look at what you | | | | have to move at the pace that feels right and |
| are doing at home that no longer serves you. You | | | | that pace, in this moment, involves more rest. |
| can jettison what drains your energy. Being away | | | | Guidance is also telling me that the black and |
| offers us perspective to see what isn't working. | | | | white world of extremes I love to inhabit -- that I |
| But I also believe you experienced a true retreat, | | | | either lay perfectly still for three months in a 19th |
| the deep replenishment of rest, and it is the rare | | | | century sanatorium OR work 10 hours a day -- is |
| person who gets enough of that. You can't bring | | | | faulty. I can move forward AND rest but only by |
| that home, but you can grasp the need to give it | | | | listening. |
| to yourself in the future -- and not every ten | | | | An example of what that looks like today: I went |
| years but every month, every season, every | | | | to sleep last night with fantasies of all I would get |
| year." | | | | done today. Up at 6, writing on the novel, |
| When we do get to rest, we become ravenous | | | | exercise, clean the study/guest room, finish notes |
| for more. We start to think about how to change | | | | on a friend's novel, edit this newsletter, sign books |
| our lives to get more -- Billy was plotting to buy a | | | | for the store sale, visit with parents, weed, do |
| house in Mexico. But while some change at home | | | | something fun with Chris and Lilly, maybe go see |
| can be vital I think the real message is: we need | | | | Winged Migration with Lil tonight. I wake up this |
| retreats, we need deep rest and we just don't | | | | morning and already the to-do list train has left |
| give ourselves permission to get it. We allow | | | | the station, and my soul is the caboose. My jaw is |
| ourselves some, yes, but with conditions. Perhaps | | | | tight before I'm even finished washing my face. |
| shorter than we really need or with people along | | | | This is not moving at the pace of guidance. |
| that don't really allow us to rest or by going to | | | | Catching myself during my morning meditation, |
| places that don't replenish us. | | | | stopping, relaxing my tense body, loving myself, |
| Sigh. | | | | accepting that I am doing it again, and then |
| EATING YELLOWSTONE | | | | asking, "What do I most need to do right now?" is |
| My daughter and I visited Yellowstone National | | | | moving at the pace of guidance. The fact that I |
| Park last month on our way back from a week | | | | have to do this four times before noon is also |
| of horseback riding in the Windriver country of | | | | moving at the pace of guidance. Or as C.S. Lewis |
| Wyoming. By the end of our Yellowstone day, we | | | | writes in Mere Christianity, "It comes the very |
| were exhausted from the heat and the sheer | | | | moment you wake up each morning. All your |
| overwhelming force of the land and we were also | | | | wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like |
| sad. Over dinner we talked about how we had | | | | wild animals. And the first job each morning |
| overheard one man remark, "I'm not stopping to | | | | consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening |
| see that moose. We've already seen one moose. | | | | to that other voice, taking that other point of |
| I'm only stopping for a bear." Yellowstone | | | | view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter |
| majesty and mystery felt like something to | | | | life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing |
| check off his list of been there, done that. I didn't | | | | back from your natural fussings and frettings; |
| feel sad because of him though, I felt sad | | | | coming in out of the wind." |
| because I had felt traces of that the same feeling | | | | I am at the end of a long, long learning cycle; a |
| in myself during our day. "Let's ring the most we | | | | cycle in which the lesson has been to listen and |
| can from this day, let's consume Yellowstone! | | | | act on what I hear, with no guarantees. I have |
| Let's not leave until we have seen every animal | | | | thought in the past that if I listen, I must do it |
| on the park service's map -- let's eat everything | | | | perfectly and then the results would be perfect. |
| on the menu." | | | | What a horrible burden and a load of crap. If |
| I had to keep reminding myself to follow Lilly's | | | | there is evil in the world, it takes the form of |
| lead, to linger, to poke, to explore, to get away | | | | perfectionism. Sometimes I'm listening to Divine |
| from the crowds and off down a shady trail, and | | | | Guidance and sometimes I'm listening to my wily, |
| to know we could spend the next ten years | | | | tricky ego, and sometimes I'm listening to my |
| walking and looking and never know this place -- | | | | morass of sticky neuroses. How can I really know |
| bison may walk down the middle of the highway | | | | unless I listen and see what happens? In the past, |
| and yet they will always remain an untouchable | | | | I bounced between the twin poles of "But listening |
| mystery. | | | | hasn't been 100% reliable" and "But I can't listen |
| As Lilly and I strolled around the geysers in the | | | | now, I have too much to do/have to make |
| twilight, I mused about why people are often so | | | | money/people need this done now." What I'm |
| irritable and frayed when they travel. Sure we are | | | | sensing -- and I could be wrong, remember there |
| tired and hot and out of our comfort zone. But | | | | are no guarantees -- is that if I disregard what I |
| could it be that we know what we yearn for, | | | | hear these days, I will grind to a halt faster and |
| what we pine for, and we aren't getting it? A | | | | suffer more, than ever before. It's like the spiral |
| yearning for deep soul rest and deep soul | | | | on this learning has grown very small and I get |
| connection with those we love, and yet what we | | | | almost instant feedback if I push the river, if I |
| often end up with is more busyness and more | | | | insist on my agenda, if I stay invested in my way. |
| distraction, snared by habits of consumption to | | | | I wish I could say this is all exciting and spiritually |
| move farther away from the mystery of our | | | | satisfying but mainly, at least today, it feels scary, |
| heart's desire. | | | | far too slow and tedious. |
| Sigh. | | | | Sigh. (But with a smile. |
| THE PACE OF GUIDANCE | | | | |