| He's popped the question. You've chosen a date. | | | | 5) Get a calendar and put all the planning in black |
| And now, you're swimming in a sea of euphoria | | | | and white. |
| with no horizons. Good thing, too, because there | | | | Your fiancé probably doesn't have the |
| are literally a thousand things to arrange before | | | | first clue in what goes into a wedding. |
| the big day. | | | | Get your wedding planner, write it all down, and |
| You do the research, buckle under and dive in. But | | | | show him. Once he gets over the shock, you'll |
| you find your fiancé's ardor for the event | | | | both probably be able to identify areas that |
| itself seems to have cooled. It's not that he isn't | | | | interest him. Make lists of the things you've each |
| mad about marrying you; after all, he is a great | | | | agreed to do, and cross them off as they get |
| guy, even if he can't tell a Vera Wang from a | | | | done. At the very least, he'll be far more |
| Gunny Sack. It's that his preparation style is | | | | supportive when he sees what you're going |
| hands-off, to say the least. And planning a | | | | through. |
| wedding isn't a job built for one. | | | | 6) Weave his family heritage/ethnicity/traditions |
| So what to do? Here are ten ways to involve him | | | | into the ceremony. |
| without increasing both of your stress loads: | | | | What did his parents do? He might be surprised at |
| 1) Delegate areas that have a prayer of | | | | the question, but it could lead somewhere valuable. |
| interesting him. | | | | He might ask his parents about their wedding, and |
| The worst thing you can do is expect him to | | | | find your wedding consequently enriched. Look |
| match your ten to twenty years of feminine | | | | through their wedding album together. Are his |
| wisdom on the relative merits of buttercream vs. | | | | ancestors German, Polish, Italian, Croatian, Asian? |
| fondant. | | | | Incorporate some old-world traditions into your |
| Here are some probable no areas when roping in | | | | ceremony. |
| a reluctant wedding planner: | | | | 7) Don't bring him in too early. |
| - Selecting the cake frosting | | | | Treat your fiance as a bit of a pinch hitter. Sure, |
| - Choosing the favors or favor packaging | | | | you may be fully aware that you can shave 5K |
| - Selecting the wedding colors or floral | | | | off your costs by starting your favor crafts and |
| arrangements | | | | reservations 18 months ahead of time. But if he's |
| Then there are the potential maybes, fraught | | | | like most guys, the wedding won't become real to |
| with fewer hazards: | | | | him until it draws closer. Expect him to jump in |
| - Choosing the photographer | | | | about six months before the actual ceremony, |
| - Choosing the videographer | | | | and break into a (relative) frenzy of activity about |
| - Arranging the rehearsal dinner | | | | one month in advance. |
| - Arranging the all-inclusive honeymoon | | | | 8) Talk about something besides the wedding. |
| - Renting big, tricky items like outdoor tents | | | | Guys aren't the only ones who complain about |
| These are probable yeses, well worth running by | | | | brides-to-be talking of nothing but upcoming |
| your guy: | | | | nuptials. Sometimes, even girlfriends get |
| - Selecting the DJ or the band | | | | overwhelmed by all the wedding chatter. |
| - Setting up and maintaining your wedding website | | | | Spend some time alone chatting about anything |
| - Researching and selecting charities, if you | | | | but the wedding. See a silly movie, split a hot |
| choose to donate instead of giving out favors | | | | fudge sundae, or watch a basketball game. Do |
| - Setting up the carriage, limo or other | | | | something spontaneous that reminds you both of |
| transportation arrangements | | | | why you decided to marry in the first place. |
| 2) If you ask him to help you choose vendors | | | | 9) Check your subtext for hidden meanings. |
| and styles, narrow down the choices first. | | | | Tempting as it might be, make sure you're not |
| It's a jungle of options out there, enough to give | | | | using your fiance as a coin-toss tool (ever noticed |
| the most natural-born party planner pause. So if | | | | how people flip coins to find out what they really |
| you want his opinion on photographers, invites, | | | | want?). When you ask for his opinion, take it |
| flowers or cakes, narrow down the options to | | | | seriously. And when you give him ownership of a |
| three or four. He's less likely to feel overwhelmed, | | | | task, don't second-guess every step. |
| and more likely to feel like an important part of | | | | Imagine that your fiancé has told you he's |
| the process. | | | | going to draft a dream team in his fantasy |
| At times, it'll feel so good to share the load that | | | | football league, and it's going to cost him $20K to |
| you'll be tempted to drag him into the | | | | participate. Now imagine that he's told you your |
| buttercream debate despite your better instincts. | | | | help is supremely important to him. |
| At these times, take a deep breath, count to ten, | | | | You'd be a little hesitant to give opinions, right? |
| and call your mother or your maid of honor. | | | | Some of your ideas might sound feeble, even to |
| 3) Ask him directly for help. | | | | your own ears. Hopefully he'd welcome your |
| Let him know how important his input is to you, | | | | thoughts, however odd it felt for you to venture |
| and that you can't do it without him. | | | | them. Now imagine your fiancé feels kind |
| Guys like to be needed. Your frank request for | | | | of like that when it comes to the wedding. |
| help may be enough to pull him out of his comfort | | | | 10) Remember that men become wedding |
| zone and onto your team. | | | | experts by having one. |
| 4) Try the Art Director/Production Staff | | | | Chances are, your sweetheart will open his eyes |
| approach. | | | | to the wonder of a wedding by the time the rose |
| If you think your guy wants to help, but feels | | | | petals are tossed. Forever after, he'll be examining |
| uncomfortable playing "art director," give him | | | | friend's receptions with a practiced eye, and |
| "production staff" tasks. Have him make the | | | | anticipating the next excuse for a Really Big |
| payments, pick up the food or decor, handle the | | | | Shindig. |
| rentals, do online comparison shopping, or reserve | | | | So keep him around, and count on throwing a |
| the hotels and reception halls. These are all jobs | | | | first-rate anniversary celebration ten years down |
| that will take a load off your shoulders, while | | | | the road. In a way, that'll be the party that really |
| freeing up time for the aesthetic stuff you | | | | matters, won't it? |
| probably enjoy and he doesn't. | | | | |